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While pondering what to write for my next post, I heard a Tim McGraw song titled Humble and Kind (written by Lori McKenna) that offered very sage advice.  The last stanza of the piece goes like this:

“Don’t take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you’re going don’t forget turn back around
And help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind “

And help the next one in line– very profound, but how does this apply to us as first responders, peer supporters, or human beings in general?  After much deliberation, here is my best explanation.

As we become seasoned veterans, it is easy to forget that we were once timid and anxious just like our younger counterparts.  However, we survived the storm and are now comfortable in our own shoes. Teach them well and have honest conversations to ensure that our service will be left in capable hands long after we are gone. Being an exceptional mentor to the probationary firefighter, paramedic or EMT student is a great way to pay it forward as well as honor those who were integral to our success.  Quite simply, always be humble and kind.

Those of us that have joined the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support team, did so mainly to offer our brothers and sisters in need of a safe and non-judgmental space to share their trials and tribulations (on an emotional level) of life as a first responder.  They seek our counsel because we have already walked that green mile ahead of them and can listen, relate, and validate to what they are saying (thanks for that one Matt).  It is one of the best shared healing gifts that one human being can give to another.  The Rosecrance Florian experience offers the opportunity to do this in a group setting as well.

Lastly, take every opportunity you can to provide the needed educational outreach to our brothers and sisters in Illinois, the United States, and other countries should the opportunity arise.  This week,  I will have the greatest honor and privilege (with the blessing of Matt and the Executive Board) to speak at the Tema Conter Memorial Trust educational workshop in Vaughan, Ontario.  The two main goals I want to accomplish while there are to (1) share the mission of ILFFPS, and (2) bring back ideas to share with you all on how our friends to the north turn back around and help the next one in line. I leave you with the song Humble and Kind to add clarity to this post.  Until next time-

Be well and stay safe,

Tim

This entry is shared by one of our clinical consultants- Jada Hudson

I was first introduced to positive psychology at a conference featuring Helene Moore, PsyD, MAPP from Northwestern University. She explained that in the past, psychologists have approached negative conditions like anxiety, depression, and neurosis from a disease model with a concentration on what is going wrong and needs to be fixed. Positive psychology studies happy people and their behaviors so we can uncover what to do to achieve that state of contentment.

Positive psychology arose from an intentional, scientific study of people from all over the world, including different cultures and socioeconomic levels. They found happy people everywhere, in tribal communities, slum conditions and unfortunate circumstances. By studying this “happiness” and measuring it quantitatively, positive psychologists have identified many important ways we humans can increase our happiness, such as:

·        Daily Exercise, which releases the chemical in our brain called dopamine that makes us feel happy. It is stimulated through aerobic exercise, especially when combined with a new experience or a “playful” twist, such as doing a “zombie run”.

·        Express Gratitude. People who intentionally “count their blessings” daily are generally more happy.

·        Achieving Flow. FLOW is a concept coined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Ph.D. to describe the happiness we feel when we are so mentally satisfied and focused on our activity that we lose track of time. We can achieve this during exercise, hobbies or even work.

Positive psychologists say that 40 percent of our happiness is determined by our intentional actions.

Last week, I had the honor and privilege of attending the Mental Health First Aid for Firefighters on the first day of the Rosecrance Florian Symposium.  Firefighters from Los Angeles County, Florida, Alaska, Oregon, Illinois, Toronto and others- participated in an informative discussion about topics that are prevalent within our profession.  The curriculum included issues such as: anxiety, depression, suicide, psychosis, and substance abuse and was well received by all attendees.

The recurring theme for each behavioral health issue was the following Mental Health First Aid Action Plan:

Action A: Assess for risk of suicide or harm

Action L: Listen nonjudgmentally

Action G: Give reassurance and information

Action E: Encourage appropriate professional help

Action E: Encourage self-help and other support strategies

Each module included a description of an issue followed by a discussion on how to implement a plan of action using case scenarios.  During the course of the day, the subject of department policy was examined as to how it fit into the intervention strategies as described above.  There was no definitive answer to this question as each department/city/state has its own guidelines with which to follow.  It was recommended that any policy set regarding behavioral health should be followed, especially if the assessment of risk for suicide or harm is high.

Towards the end of the day a most enlightening monologue was given by Lieutenant Graham of the Rockford Fire Department.   He stated that once the department guidelines are followed for the protection of the individual as well as the crew/shift- “Don’t forget everything else.”  What the good LT was referring to was the human side of the equation.  Yes, we must take the immediate step to mitigate the situation (standard SOG response), but then we must have the honest conversation to attempt and uncover the underlying cause.

LT Graham used the example of a career firefighter who starts showing up to work under the influence of alcohol- something that is out of character for this individual.  First, we must not cover this person’s tracks as this will only compound the problem.  Implement Action A and follow department policy.  After that, LT. Graham said an after-care conversation should be initiated.  For example, this discussion can begin something like “I have noticed that you are acting out of character lately and it’s not like you . . . what’s going on?

LT Graham further related that by “making it safe” (as Matt always says) we may just find out that this person is having financial and/or marital issues or a health crisis involving an immediate family member- which has led to said drinking.  This is what peer support is all about my friends- reaching out, caring, and sharing the human experience with our brothers and sisters.  Should we be so fortunate to have the peer divulge sensitive information, this will help provide a solid foundation for after-care activities.

As peer supporters, it is not our job to diagnose or treat behavioral health emergencies.  Our mission is to provide an environment that a peer feels safe to discuss issues well before they spiral into the Action A Zone.  Always remember to “not forget everything else.”  My sincerest thanks goes to LT. Graham for sharing his wisdom.  Until next time-

Be well and stay safe,

Tim

Jada B. Hudson, LCPC

In a world of online dating, shows called Married at First Sight, and Millennials getting married later, it’s clear that the institution of marriage means something different today than it did when Grandma Lucille met Grandpa Harry in 1946.

Time author, Belinda Luscombe, explains, “Matrimony used to be an institution people entered out of custom, duty, or a need to procreate. Now that it’s become a technology-assisted endeavor that has been delayed until conditions are at their most optimal, it needs to deliver better-quality benefits.  Most of us think this one relationship should- and could- provide the full buffet of satisfaction, intimacy, support, stability, happiness, and sexual exhilaration.  And, if it’s not up to the task, it’s quicker and cheaper than ever to unsubscribe.”

Some psychologists theorize that shifting technological, cultural, and economic influences have shaped Americans’ perception of marriage and made the picture of singlehood more attractive.  Others believe that both partners working outside the home has dis-unified couples by providing each individual with separate social circles and stressors.  Still others believe that couples stay together until they reach the “Empty Nest Years” out of desire to provide the best opportunities to their children.  This, with social media’s ever-connected-to-friends nature, has made it so that couples can find support and conversation outside the home.

Psychology professor Eli Finkel of Northwestern University found that Americans view marriage today as both the most and the least satisfying institution that has ever been.  But, what if “satisfaction” is the wrong pursuit?  What if, by asking marriage to satisfy us, we’re asking it to do something it can never succeed at?

During working years, couples fill their schedules with meetings, kids’ sports practices, social outings, and corporate functions, finding satisfaction in work, achievement, and social connection.  How, then, can they be satisfied and develop marriages that survive. Here are four keys to finding marital satisfaction again:

Commit to stick it out.  One study of 700 elderly adults found that 100% of them called their long marriage “the best thing in their life.” It also found that 100% of them either stated that marriage was either “hard” or “very, very hard.”  Yet, studies have also shown that couples who are committed to one another for the long-run actually find a new kind of sweetness to their relationship.  If they are willing to practice being good to one another, they begin to rediscover and live at the same level of sweetness they had during their courtship.

Develop or discover mutual interests.  Think of activities you both enjoy doing together and do them as often as possible.  When you can connect over shared interests, your relationship will be able to endure an innumerable amount of changes from the outside.

Keep up your sex life.  When comparing couples who have sex once a week to couples who have sex less than once a month, the happiness level of the frequently-intimate was almost three times higher!  Sex will make your relationship sweeter, as you allow intimacy into your relationship.

Find something meaningful to do with your personal time.  Don’t ask your spouse to satisfy your every need.  Fill your days with satisfying activity, and invite your spouse to join in, if he/she wishes.

Start by shifting your focus from getting satisfaction out of your marriage to finding a connection within your marriage.

The Following post by Tom Howard appeared in the July 2016 ILFFPS Newsletter:

So I got a tattoo. I know what you’re probably thinking, “Really? A fireman with a tattoo is like walking into a coffee shop and seeing a barista with a ‘man bun,’ it’s a requirement now days. I recently got my second tattoo. However, before I explain my new tattoo I should start by explaining both why I have one, as well as the importance of my first one.

I always wanted a tattoo but when I was in my late teens early 20’s they still were not all that common, and even carried a bit of taboo if you had one. I remember my grandmother commenting to a friend of mine, after seeing his tattoo, “Were you drunk?” She did not ask if he was a sailor at least. That being said, I still wanted a tattoo but I didn’t want a half-naked woman, or the standard barbed wire around the bicep.

No, I knew that when I finally decided to put something permanent on my arm it would be something that really meant something to me. So my I got my first tattoo in my late 20’s and it is a tattoo of a cockroach. Yea I know, I can hear it now, “So the long wait for the tattoo with deep meaning and it’s a cockroach?” Well let me explain. I wanted to be a fireman like nothing else in my life to that point. When I made it to my first career department in the south suburbs of Chicago, I really felt I had made it. I bought into the idea that men identify themselves with their jobs. For me the fire service was who I was, I loved the job. To clarify, I still love the job but in a different way than I did over 20 years ago.

So why a cockroach? Well one day, our senior man, the station engineer, came up with a drawing of our shift logo. The logo was of an upright cockroach holding a line, an axe, a pike pole, and a cigar. This was based on a slogan, “2^nd Shift: Tough as a cockroach.” The idea was that as the old saying goes, nothing can kill them, and that’s how tough we were. Nothing can kill us. Couple months after the t-shirts showed up the first tattoo was inked. When I saw that tattoo I knew instantly that was just what I had been waiting for all these years.

So for about 20, I have had a larger then life cockroach hanging out on my left bicep. Over the years it has faded but still no mistaking it for what it is. Often times when the tattoo topic comes up or someone notices that I have one the always ask to see it. I always love the reaction from people, especially outside the fire service. I am not even sure how many times I have explained the concept of tough as a cockroach, “Because you can’t kill them” I would tell people inferring that just like the cockroach, I too was indestructible.

I know so what about the new tattoo? Well to start, I turned 50 last November and I wanted to do something to mark the milestone. So I had decided to get my second tattoo. This time, I knew just what I wanted. Several years ago I answered a different call in my life, a call to ministry. I will be graduating from seminary with a Masters in Divinity in June and as I near the end of my time in the fire service, I wanted a tattoo that marked this transition in my life.

My second tattoo is of a cross. This is a large wooden cross with my bunker boots at the foot, my coat on the cross member and sitting on top is my helmet. My thought process in this tattoo was the idea of hanging up my gear for the cross. As I near the time when retirement is always the topic and the inevitable question to follow is, “What are you going to do then?” I have a clear understanding of what my next step is. I want to continue helping others just in a different way.

I also included scripture from the Book of John. Specifically, John 15:13. In this scripture we have the words of Jesus explaining that there is no greater love than to give one’s life for another. I felt this was appropriate in that each of us in the fire service gives so much, I don’t believe the idea of self-sacrifice should go unrecognized. Each of us gives a piece if his or her self in this job, both mentally and physically.

While my gear on the cross is there to signify my transition I also have a drop of blood dripping off the bottom edge of my helmet to, again, signify the sacrifice I have made over the years. The knees, the back, and whatever other physical ailments I may incur from my time in the fire service.

But even more than the physical aches and pains that drop of blood is there to signify immeasurable mental stress, the countless images of the people that I have done the best I could to help in one way or another, sometimes successfully, and sometimes not. That drop of blood signifies all the people that have called 911 for someone else, often a loved one, for one reason or another, the opportunity to help had passed.

That drop of blood is for my brothers that I have watch go off the job because of an unexpected injury. While that may seem terrible, the fact is going off the job is better than what could have just as easily killed them. That drop of blood is there because I know that all the while, it could have just as easily been me in their shoes.

It wasn’t until after I had gotten my second tattoo that I realized the stark difference between the first and second. When I think about the first tattoo, being young and ready to take on the world, I thought I was indestructible. Now, I think about how the job I thought I was stronger than, has broken me. At the same time, I refuse to allow this job to take control of my life. No, I won’t give this lifeless animal we call the fire service the credit for doing that to me. Yes, it has broken me but it hasn’t won.

See, I believe that in my new tattoo, along with my gear placed at the cross I also wanted to place my false perception of my identity, that false identity of being indestructible, wrapped in the uniform I wore. I instead need to acknowledge where I find my true identity. The fact is the fire service, with all its ups and downs has formed much of who I am today but it is only a part of me. What I have learned is that my life is more than the gear I put on or the uniform I wear. My life is more than the shift I work.

Yes, I have been broken, but I am not beaten, the fire service has not beaten me. What I believe is that part of me needed to be broken so that I could become the person I am today. The fire service has been a big part of my life but it does not, will not, define who I am, I will not seed that power to the service.

The real importance of the two tattoos’ is the realization of the journey. In my first tattoo it is easy to recognize that I felt indestructible, I had taken on the world and I was going to win. 25 years later I now understand that was a false presence. It never was a case of being indestructible but rather a case of how do I manage my way through the demand, the loss, the trauma, as well as the beauty, the blessing and the joy of being in the fire service. See I never had the power within myself, but I needed to find something stronger than me to bring me through.

I would ask each and every person reading this to stop and think about where they receive their identity, where they receive their strength. The life we live, our successes, our failures, shape each and every one of us but what defines us goes much deeper. I guess my final question would be, “Where do you rest your helmet?”

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay one’s life down for a friends.”  John, 15:13